


The song remains the same

by littlewallflower



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Fear, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, non-graphic animal death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24512884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlewallflower/pseuds/littlewallflower
Summary: Jaskier has demons in his mind. There are days when everything scares him, every passing moment filled with thoughts ofwhat if. He’s drowning in them, choking on the always present fear. His mind tells him horrible stories; ones he doesn’t dare make into songs. He pushes them down under bright smiles and loud laughter, always pretending that nothing is wrong. Everything is wrong. And it stays that way.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	The song remains the same

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve never published anything ever before, but figured I’d try… Also, I’m not a native English-speaker so I apologize for any mistakes made. Take care!

A lifeless body is what starts it all. That’s what he thinks, anyway, when looking back on it years later. Eight years old and standing in a field; it all happens so fast. A roar, a shriek, and then - the once green grass now a dark shade of red. The night air full of wailing cries from the sheep left alive. 

Julian had known before that life wasn’t always pretty, had heard all the stories about monsters in the dark. Still, he can’t shake the feeling of oncoming doom, spreading through his body like an infection. Can’t quite shake the horrible feeling of _it could have been me_. 

That’s when it begins: the constant, nagging fear, never leaving him. He can feel death coming for him, just like it had come for the sheep. He’s too young to think about dying, but he just can’t get it out of his head. 

On his worst days, he barely leaves his room. He’s scared of everything: of sharp objects and stinging bees, of illnesses and burning alive. He spends his days thinking about dying and about what he’ll do when it all goes wrong. 

He starts doing all these little things; small precautions and rituals, just to be able to breathe. He knows it won’t protect him - does it anyway. He prepares for every possible danger he can think of: he moves everything that might catch on fire, far away from the fireplace - he doesn’t want to burn to death in his sleep. He fetches a length of rope from the working shed and uses it to barricade all the doors and windows, so no monsters can get in. He knows, he _knows_ , it won’t matter - his neatly tied ribbon won’t stop a hungry wolf. He ties it anyway; spends hours checking it and checking it again, just to make sure it’s still in place. Knows he _has to_ if he wants to be able to sleep at all. The fear won’t fade until it’s done. 

****

Here’s the thing with fear: once it’s got its claws in you, it never leaves. He’s nothing short of a marionette now - his foolish brain holding all the strings. He does whatever it tells him to do; all the twisted little rituals now a steadfast part of his life. 

Some things change, but mostly they don’t. Julian becomes Jaskier: the travelling bard with a heart full of songs, always humming a melody. Everything else stays exactly the same: new, different fears but the same, burning feeling in his chest. 

****

People are easy to fool, he learns. They see what they suspect to see, believe whatever lie he feeds them. He’s always walking with jumps in his steps, never giving them a reason to look beyond the bright and silly facade. He keeps quiet about his fears - it’s always worse when they know. After all, bards are not supposed to be afraid. Not supposed to hurt in such a non-poetic way. 

Jaskier has demons in his mind and he doesn’t know how to chase them away. There are days when everything scares him, every passing moment filled with thoughts of _what if_. He’s drowning in them, choking on the always present fear. His mind tells him horrible stories; ones he doesn’t dare make into songs. He pushes them down under bright smiles and loud laughter, always pretending that nothing is wrong. Everything is wrong. And it stays that way. 

****

He meets a witcher in the dark corner of a crappy, old tavern and suddenly, hiding becomes significantly harder. He feels the yellow eyes searching him, Geralt’s watchful stare never leaving him alone. On his better days, he hates it; on his worst, he doesn’t care. Geralt will leave him sooner or later, anyway. It’s just a matter of time. 

****

Julian - now Jaskier - keeps watching the world around him, always writing songs about what he cannot understand. He doesn’t understand himself. Doesn’t write about that. Mostly, his songs consist of empty words and comforting lies, but words true enough to fool the audience. It doesn’t matter, anyway - if they’re drunk enough, they’ll believe every word. 

****

It all stays the same. His mind repeats his fears over and over and when Geralt finally leaves him on that godforsaken mountain top, Jaskier has seen it coming from miles away. People never stay with him for long, after all. 

He tells himself that all will be fine, praying it with all his mind even though he doesn’t believe it. His fears are worse to bear when he’s alone - his evergrowing list of precautions occupying all his waking time. He can’t make it stop - it doesn’t work that way. After all, there’s no way to run from one’s own broken mind.


End file.
